Do Not Apply Lashes Directly to Eyeball
Hello! Ultra super surprise - I dyed my hair! Can you even keep up? My dad can’t. Are you trying? He’s not.
I decided to dye it back to brown (totally all by myself) because the bleach was breaking my hair for real. It was so damaged that I needed to cut about 4 inches off (mildly totally all by myself - I had a lot of help from a certain As Seen On TV™ product - more on THAT later). IT’S SO MUCH BETTER. I feel…calm. Soothed.
Another perk is that I can play around with makeup a lot more! The blond just looked so unnatural and shocking to me that when I wore any unconventional colors or did a strong lip and eye, I felt rather like…a clown? A Pamela Anderson? Being a brunette makes me want to pile on the color. All the color!
I went looking. I dug through my so, so disorganized makeup drawer (miss you) and found this pretty Tarina Tarantino Jewel Eyeshadow Palette that came in my March Birchbox*. The colors are so nice and shimmery and mermaid-y! Right? Yeah! So, I played mermaid dress up (grown up adult research dress up) for a LONG WHILE. I painted my eyes with the colors of the sea and tried to coax my hair into some interpretation of a conch shell. For many reasons, however, I did not resemble any manner of mermaid.
I even used these Ardell Fright Night Pixie Dust Lashes because they are glitter and so are mermaids. I also wanted to practice applying fake eyelashes so that one day I will be able to show dear Jenny Bradley how to (the post is underway! It’s more like a lesson plan). The lower lash strips looked SO CRAZY though, like sparkly tarantula legs! Can you imagine anything more terrifying than a hairy spider covered in glitter? You think you’ve stumbled across some mystical, long lost jewel in the woods (why are you in the woods?) (where do tarantulas live?) and then you get kind of itchy!**
Instead, I chose to apply a few Ardell DuraLash Individual Lashes to the outer corners of my lower lash line. They added necessary drama, just not the kind that twinkles in my nightmares.
I used 5 shades of eyeshadow, two eyeliner pencils and mascara before applying the lashes. It was a labor of love - until I realized I did not, nor would I ever, look like a mermaid. Do you see the sadness in my eyes? Do you see a mixture of the White Witch from The Chronicles of Narnia and Cyndi Lauper in my eyes?
My hair was not mollusk-like, it looked more like a delicious baked good or Jimmy Neutron, as you can see.
I don’t own any mermaid clothing. I don’t even have a shell bra! No fins! No dreams of standing up or walking around! I DO have a cave full of weird crap, but that’s about it.
Then, I learned the word VAINGLORIOUS,*** and everything made sense again. Rhinestone necklaces and marabou feathers were all I’d ever needed.
(Sorry, vegans! I’m usually a strictly faux fur girl, but this jacket is from the 1930’s, my favorite fashion decade of all time! It was mint condition; I’m weak.)
- Lining your eyes with a pencil is so much easier if you hold the tip under a hot blow dryer for about 5-10 seconds. The liner melts just the right amount to achieve a really smooth and neat line. For me, this is especially helpful for the lower lash line because I can never do that!
- To make any eyeshadow color more intense, dip your brush into the teensiest bit of water, dab off any excess and then pick up the color. It’s really cool and fun and a little science-y. Try to keep your eyes closed while that dries so it doesn’t crease.
- Q-tips are the best for experimenting with eyeshadow. They’re super cheap so you can use a fresh one for each color to avoid muddying the shades too much. Also, according to their parent company, Q-tips are not terrible for the environment.
- Don’t glue anything directly onto your lower water line…anything! Especially those little individual lashes. You might poke yourself in the eye repeatedly. It hurts and you blink a lot and I’m pretty sure no one actually told me it was a good idea.
- I primarily listened to the music of Mya, Pat Benatar and Mario while doing all of this.
*Do y’all know about Birchbox? It’s a super unnecessary yet so delightful subscription service that sends you a really nice hand-picked selection of deluxe beauty product samples every month! I’m obsessed and also the box is hot pink, so I’m obsessed more.
**Wait! I CAN think of scarier things.
***I will name my first born child Vainglorious.
Nail Art is the Tiniest Form of Self Expression
Oh blog, you’ve been so neglected! My bad! I hope you’ll have me back.
I’m obsessed with doing my nails, if you can believe that! I love nail art in particular.
For doing tiny designs, I like to use those little polishes with the long, thin brushes. I mostly have L.A. Colors Art Deco Nail Art colors. They are cheap, yes, but I kind of hate them! They get gloopy (y’all know) really fast, the opacity is unreliable and I always have to snip a stray brush hair or two. I have yet to find a nail art polish or pen that I really like- any suggestions would be welcome!
I always finish with Seche Vite top coat. The first time I used it, I felt like a new woman. You know I’m not really exaggerating. It dries SO FAST and doesn’t smear the colors and I think it’s probably magic. It always makes your nails look like a professional did them.
Also, I take Biotin everyday. It actually really makes your nails and hair grow noticeably faster! Plus, my doctor said it’s good for some other stuff, I forget.
Here are some manicures I’ve done - I hope you like them!
Leopard print is so EASY! And dope.
I was going for zebra but I think they look like dinosaur eggs.
(These are kind of cheating because I just use painters tape! I like the kind for delicate surfaces because it’s not too tacky and won’t pull away any color underneath.)
My first attempt at nail art, many years ago.
These were my favorite. I hate looking at the insides of wrists…blech.
Gold leaf! Is so annoying!
Pardon the cuticles.
So tedious. I only finished this nail.
I did these for a Phillies game I went to last year and we won!!!! This is the only way to get me interested in sports!!!!!
That’s all for now! If you liked any of these, let me know! I’ll show you how to do them. Kisses.
Dear Cally, I didn’t sleep!
I got a very excellent question from a high school friend who would like to remain anonymous because being publicly linked to me would ruin her chances at being crowned Miss America.
Sometimes I don’t get enough sleep and the next day it looks like it! How can I do my makeup in the mornings where I look pooped to make it look like I am not pooped? Specifically, I notice after a long night without sleep that I look really pale and colorless in general. How can I look rosy cheeked and awake??
She has really come to the right place because I DO NOT SLEEP AT NIGHT. Sure, I get lots of sleep during the day, but those Puritans make me feel all guilty about it! Also, I’ve found that most working hours and appointments occur when the “sun” is up. Over my many years of masquerading as a human, I have developed several ways to look like I got a restful night of sleep. I will now endeavor to impart them upon you.
The unfortunate beginning.
DRINK WATER - Staying well hydrated is always important, but today you need to be chugging water. JUST WATER! No juice or coffee or tea. Sugar and caffeine dehydrate you.
MOVE - Do 10 jumping jacks. Only 10 though! You’re too tired for more. Now stretch! Reach down to the floor then sweep your arms all the way up to the sky (DON’T COME UP TOO FAST! You’ll get dizzy like I do because I’m smart). Any short aerobic exercise or stretch will feel great and get your blood pumping.
SHOWER - This is a very important step! Showering wakes you up and improves circulation. End it with a cold blast of water. It may be unpleasant but it really boosts your energy and makes your hair shiny! Bonus!!
EXFOLIATE - While in the shower, exfoliate. It’s really invigorating and helps bring color back to your skin. On your body, scrub with one of those inexpensive, rough washcloths and a citrus scented cleanser, like Fresh Hespiredes Soap. For your face, scrub for about 30 seconds using a mixture of two parts baking soda and one part water. Baking soda is the best exfoliant I have ever used because it is extremely fine (no scratching) and REALLY effective. It makes your skin feel incredibly smooth and so soft. It’s amazing.
MOISTURIZE - Moisturize the crap out of your face. Use something rich, maybe even anti-aging, and use a lot. Next, you need an eye cream. I love Clinique All About Eyes Serum De-Puffing Eye Massage because of the roller ball applicator. The woman who sold it to me called it a “nap in a tube.” Put it all over your under eyes, eyelids and even your temples. To make it extra refreshing, keep it in the refrigerator! So luxurious.
FACE - Use a pink tinted primer, like Benefit “That Gal” Brightening Face Primer, and let it set for 2 minutes. Now, apply a BB cream all over. I love BB creams because they give a foundation-like amount of coverage but don’t feel heavy at all. Garnier just released their Miracle Skin Perfector BB Cream in the US. I much prefer it to the Sephora brands because it’s cheaper and comes in two shades to accommodate almost all skin tones. Dab concealer on any blemishes. Don’t do your under eyes yet!
EYES - My method for concealing under eye bags is compulsively specific. First, apply Garnier Skin Renew Anti-Dark-Circle Eye Roller. It has concealer and caffeine in it, which constricts blood vessels (de-puffs). Tap it in lightly until it’s blended. Next, apply Benefit Eye Bright and pat it in. The pink cancels out the purple in your under eye bags - I don’t know why, it’s probably magic. Lastly, use a liquid concealer that matches your skin but has pink undertones. I LOVE YSL Touche Eclat.
Eye Bright applied; blended; Touche Eclat applied; blended!
Curl your lashes. Shu Umera makes the best eyelash curler…ever. Then, apply a lengthening and volumizing mascara. My ultra, ultimate favorite is L’Oreal Double Extend Beauty Tubes. I’m pretty sure it’s my favorite makeup product of all time.
Make sure your eyebrows are plucked! Use a Tweezerman. To keep them in place, use a brow mascara. I like Benefit Speed Brow because it has the sheerest tint of color and makes your brows look perfect.
CHEEKS & LIPS - Use a coral colored cheek stain, like Benefit Cha Cha Tint. Coral brightens you up and is flattering on everyone! Using a stain or cream blush instead of a powder is important to maintain and add a little glow. I apply it by putting some on my fingers first, then patting it onto my cheeks evenly.
For your lips, mix a little of the cheek stain with Aquaphor and dab it on. If you want more color, use a creamy lipstick (in the coral family, please!).
YOU’RE FINALLY DONE! SEIZE THE DAY AND THEN TAKE A NAP!
Happy, wide-eyed ending.
Hi! Sorry I’m the worst! My body and brain are being a little bit rude to me this week but not in a way that’s so bad, just in a way that overwhelms me (oh I’m so very easily overwhelmed). I’m plotting lots of things to come, though, and I’m really excited but I am moving SLOW. Like a baby sloth. I promise I’ll answer all of the wonderful questions I’ve gotten (I love them!!!) and attempt to explain this photo. KISSES and be safe.